Miss Mabry

The art of the awesome Adam Hughes. I love how he gives catwoman a very Audrey-esqe face. Gorgeous. 

Morning Tumblr. It’s been a loooong time. Time for testing 

My dad’s Christmas present. This one features my sister, who is the moon

:)

tumblrbot asked: WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE INANIMATE OBJECT?

my itouch :)

I can’t stop listening to this song. I love Rihanna’s accent, & she’s so pretty!

So in my Junior’s AP English class we are currently finishing up The Adventure Of Huckleberry Finn. This American classic is wonderful in many ways, & I can’t think of a book that holds greater satire (even though I hate every time that word comes out of my boring & biased Student teacher’s mouth). Now sadly, this book holds a lot of controversy with the race issue, particularly the word ‘nigger’. Now our class has been watching a video on the McClintock High School controversy, where a young black girl disliked reading the book in class due to the now racial slur. She argued she was upset the teacher assigned this, since the book made her feel inferior & wondered why her teacher would ever assign such a book when she was sitting right there in her class.

Now many kids in my class (which is mostly made of white students) gave over exaggerated sighs, scoffs & bewildered looks. Many asked, “Why would SHE be offended? It’s not like its talking about HER.” & “Well the book makes the White South out to be a complete joke, & we’re not offended!” I decided to keep my opinion to myself.

I might as well establish that I am Half Korean, & Black with some Native American. Zero percent white. I didn’t want to raise another side to my class because from experience I knew they wouldn’t understand her. I hate pulling the race card, but many don’t like to acknowledge it. Now I’m not the type of person who will pull the race card every time I feel mistreated or misunderstood. However, I truly believe there is a barrier between that is too complex to be torn down right now.

Now as for this girl, I can completely sympathize & understand her sensitivity to the N word. How simply reading a book can make her feel inferior. This is because I was in her place, & sometimes I still am. I use to be so sensitive whenever the word came out of a person’s mouth, due to being bullied by boys & teased by girls for my appearance. Many thought because of my short curly hair I was a boy for most of my infant & toddler years. Kids in kindergarten and elementary school often didn’t see big curls and thick lips as something too cute. Life felt isolated whenever I saw all these girls getting called cute & pretty by so many with their long hair with ribbons in them & wished that could be me, even for a second.

I would watch Disney movies every day, & collect princess dolls religiously. Stroking their soft hair, looking at their blue & green eyes with envy. Even at home, there was no woman that looked like me. My Korean mother with her long silky, flowing ebony black hair, & my sister’s brown long waves. Staring in the mirror I wondered if my short curls, that would always get tangled, could be seen as beautiful by some Prince Charming. And no matter how many Black dolls my grandma would send me from Detroit, I’d still stare in distress at my splotchy skin and big curly hair. So instead of being hurt from being so tall & boyish, I’d complete their comments, & dressed very boyish and pretended to have no femininity.

While I am a tomboy & still embrace the gift of boxers, sports, & video games, in my heart I wanted to be recognized as a girl, not just a teammate. This lasted years. It was a painful experience, being called names & told I’m not beautiful. Id watch TV & see all the heroines with manageable hair & white skin. I don’t want to blame media, because this was a problem from within myself, but with the media & culture never putting a girl like me as an image of beauty wasn’t very encouraging.

Everywhere I went, my mind always translated the lack of colored girls as seeing us as inferior in beauty. This integrated itself in my mind so deeply that I still struggle with it. Its not something that is spoken, but is subconsciously said to us. So even though I may roll my eyes with my friends at BET commercials that are redone with colored women, I’m inwardly hoping some young girl is seeing this & feeling some sort of comfort and adoration.

I’ve grown up being attracted to white men, & I still am. I find every race wonderful & attractive. Each culture is such a gift to me, but growing up near Scottsdale you see more white men. This is obviously a recipe for disaster for me, as it was when I was just coming into womanhood. I was often turned down by a boy that I’d like or had been crushing on for a while due to my ethnicity, to see them turn to a girl of a…cleaner complexion, I guess you could say. This gave me intense self esteem issues. However, now that I have some lady lumps curves, I’m in constant wariness of being used for curiosity or conquest. I can’t count how many times boys have approached me out of curiosity of what my race is like in the sack, or saying things such as, “I’m not attracted to black girls, but I’ve always wanted to do stuff with one. I’d be willing to do stuff with you, You’re more attractive than ones I’ve seen.”

While they often saw this as a compliment, it always bordered near an insult to me. It was difficult enough with the general image of beauty in the world being something that I was no where near. I find it so heart crushing & strange how narrow this is. It makes me sad when black girls get nose jobs or perm their hair, asian women getting eye surgery to make monolids disappear, laser surgery to remove beautiful freckles. So since majority white men (that I’ve met & listened to) do not find black women attractive due to silly things such as it not being pink down there or some extra curves, I rejoice when I go to ethnic places. While many black kids in my area are ashamed of the black community with how disrespectful & unappealing it is shown as to the general public, I love to run to it. There’s an unsaid sense of belonging there that isn’t felt in Paradise Valley often. Many, including my younger stepbrother (Jamaican, Italian, Mexican) sometimes have to grasp for it to feel safe. We know we don’t live there, or know anyone (usually), but we feel accepted & attractive. Like the majority is believing in us. I know it’s a self centered way to live, but I love being able to turn heads & see smiles from people. People kinda like me.

Now I believe this ties into something deeper, to do with the very core of a race. We as humans naturally notice race. Now the thoughts that follow are often from upbringing or personal experiences, however its noticed. I don’t know why, but I feel a deep connection to my cultures and people. When South Korea was attacked in November, I was in tears. Not only from fear of my families safety, but for the whole country. MY PEOPLE. It was strange, I was so worried for the future of Korea, what would happen next? So many of my classmates rolled their eyes & said that it wasn’t a big deal, it’s not like you were over there. This made me wonder if white people felt the connection to a culture or people like I naturally did. It was like their hurt affected me just a deeply as if I were there. I don’t understand it. Maybe it’s due to the white culture essentially dominating the globe, so the fear of it disappearing isn’t something that crosses their minds. But I worried for my culture. My boyfriend (who is a white boy, & truly wonderful) didn’t even understand why I was upset.

I listened to a sermon from a man named Dave Sliker (IHOP; 2010), & he said how the life of a black man  is different than that of a white man’s. Even in the church, how things are just naturally not catered to them, & same with Asians ( his descent). So while seeing my classmates scoff and roll their eyes, It kinda made me see where he got this from. I don’t wonder why they do it. I don’t expect other races to understand another’s struggles. A white’s struggle, an Asians, Mexicans, Middle Eastern. They’re all different. But they all deserve to be heard & sympathized with.

I believe true equality, in the social ladder & the subconscious, will come when we can all recognize eachother’s battles, differences, pros cons, & similarities, & say “I get it. You don’t have to worry. You’re culture is not inferior to mine. They are equally wonderful & I want to live side by side with you.”

Anonymous asked: Your Hot! Bye...

Why thank you. I’m very flattered :)

Just so you can have an idea of what I look like. Notice how it’s conveniently blurry. Hence the word idea.

I don’t want to seem self important, but isn’t that a bit unavoidable when I’m actually taking up a whole corner of the internet with ramblings of myself? So looking around my room, all I can see is the money my dad has spent on me. On the iHome with speakers holding my cracked iTouch like a statue of a deity. The barely worn Nikes on the floor, the light streaming in from my bathroom, and the queen sized bed I’m sitting on…..Okay, I actually wanted this to lead up to something amazing and thoughtful, but I cant think of a damn thing to write. Im currently switching from mom’s to dad’s weekly. I figured I might as well spend as much time as possible with both my parents before I leave high school, a year away from now, but still.

I skipped out on church again. This was an excellent choice on my part, because I somehow always do well when I can cram my mind with things that make me forget about God. Now that last sentence probably made me sound like a God hating teenager, which is far from the truth. I love God. I really do. However, when ever I think about Him, try to talk to Him, worship Him, I’m relentlessly assaulted by shame and insignificance. I understand He knows every corner of me and it comforting yet terrifying. For most of my teenage life, my struggle has always been a tug o war between Him and boys. Now, its OBVIOUS the best choice is Him, yet I’ll seem to choose guys without a second thought the moment I feel neglected by Him. So to keep away from the feelings of being unworthy (which I am, but seriously, crying every time I’m in worship is draining as shit), I avoid Him and the people who love me the most…..I’m a freaking genius.

So the thought of a blog seems very unappealing to me, but I know deep deep down I’m very self centered. So dear Tumblr, I think this is the beginning of a very beautiful relationship. <3